Sunday, February 27, 2011

Motherhood

I've been a mom for a little over 3 months now, and let me tell you, the amount of emotions I have felt in this short period of time, are sometimes overwhelming. Not all of these emotions have been good unfortunately. I have felt so angry, guilty, sad, resentful, etc... it makes me wonder if I'll ever be a good mommy. I need patience, lot's of it.

I feel like something has been going on with my little baby since he was born (NICU, the harness and now the cast) My mom came and left. She was so much help these past 5 weeks. I was able to go to bed with my husband, eat dinner with him, rest, hand the baby over when I had to pump or when I was just plain overwhelmed.

Now we are back to just the 3 of us, still trying to come up with a good routine. Right now, Mike does all the cooking and I do most of the cleaning. I go to bed at around 8pm and Mike stays up with the baby, sometimes the baby will sleep, other times he'll be up. I wake up at around 2am to pump and take over baby duty for the rest of the morning/day. This is the only way we can both get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, the baby wakes up about every hour at night.

The first few weeks with the cast were very difficult. I wrote that he was crying and spitting up more than usual in my last post, well, it got even worse. Then finally around week 4, he was doing much better. He even started getting more vocal and sort of smiling, here's a video of him in his little "jungle". I still don't think he smiles "on purpose". I finally figured out a way to hold him that would make him burp, and that seemed to help.

(See, told you, rubbing his face. Taken on Feb 11, 13 weeks old)

Since my mom left, it seems like he has gone back to crying a lot again. It's really hard to deal with the crying, especially when you are hungry, probably dirty, have to use the bathroom, tired and nothing seems to soothe the baby, it is such a horrible feeling, I sometimes end up crying with him. We have to keep mittens on him at all times now, because all he wants to do is rub his little face off, it's pretty frustrating. We can't really swaddle him because he gets overheated.

At this point, we have less than 2 weeks to go until they take the cast off. You have no idea how excited I'm! I want to finally bathe him, see his whole precious little body. He is starting to get stinky and he has had a few poop explosions... not good. I will be heartbroken if his hips haven't improved and he needs another cast, I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I think the hospital stay and recovering from the anesthesia are the worst parts...I think... the crying is pretty bad too :(

I never imagined this was going to be so hard; physically and emotionally. Mike is pretty positive that once the cast comes off, Andrew will do much better. In the mean time, we are just taking it day by day, enjoying the moments when the baby does seem happy. Thanks to everyone that has been praying and sending good thoughts, I really appreciate it, it really makes me feel a little better.

4 comments:

inkyblog said...

ohhh i'm soooo sorry to hear it Nancy... so very sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and sad. the first couple of months really are overwhelming and exhausting, and add to that ANY kind of health problem, and life is impossibly hard and troubling. i know these weeks feel like YEARS right now, but things will get better and you'll feel so much more positive about everything.

like your gorgeous little boy, Danny had a lot of health problems and was in hospital, and i felt so overwhelmed and sad about it... but when it was all over and he finally was home and back to normal, it was the best feeling ever... like that was his REAL birth and we started over again.

have you read Baby Wise? how is his eating schedule? is he sore and that's why he's crying...? i'd love to brainstorm with you to help you, i am no expert but i have been through the newborn stage with 4 babies now (two of my own and two borrowed babies:) so i know the frustration and sense of overwhelm.

you can email me if you like
inkyblack@hotmail.com or chat on yahoo IM xooxox

Belle said...

Nancy, I'm so sorry I've been out of the loop for so long. I guess I haven't been keeping up as I had originally intended.
I'm sending good thoughts to your little family! Your little guy is really brave and so are you and Mike. You'll get through this. :)

Hip-baby Mama said...

Hi Nancy!
I'm approaching the one-year mark with my daughter and as I look back on her first few months, I realize that I was much more miserable than I ever let on! You want a perfect baby and then you're told there's something wrong with them. It's heartbreaking! As if the first few months with a newborn aren't hard enough...
I cried a lot, too, and so did Lucy. I used to dread 4:00 every day because that would start the onslaught of happy-hour tears.
I just published a post about unsolicited advice so I'm going back on my words here. But don't rush the routine. Everything will fall into place eventually. And take it easy on yourself; Andrew is absolutely beautiful and so are you.
Best wishes and prayers for good hips and no more casts!

Rachel Elizabeth said...

Motherhood in and of itself is difficult without any medical complications. I hope his hips are A okay when you take him in and you can finally get a little break. Sending happy healthy vibes to your family.