Friday, August 26, 2011

The Bad

It seems like after the spica cast came off, things got hard again. My mom had to leave a few weeks earlier than planned because my step dad had surgery. At least my mom was still here when the cast came off and a few days after. Andrew's eczema got really bad again. He's skin didn't actually look so bad, but he would not stop scratching ALL DAY LONG.

He started hating bath time again and diaper changes were once again a challenge (he was probably still hurting a bit and just wanted to scratch!) I think I even started to get depressed. I was so frustrated and every little thing made me very angry. I hated myself for feeling that way, especially because it wasn't Andrew's fault. I took him to the pediatrician, and until the second time I went back for the same issue, I finally got the referral to the dermatologist.

Dermatologist said I had to give him a bath every single day. I stressed out immediately since it was just so hard to give him a bath. She also gave me samples of Cetaphil Restoraderm body wash and lotion and a prescription for an ointment. I also bought him a hazel wood necklace that's supposed to help with eczema and constipation. It was worth a try.

His itching improved so much after just the daily baths and the Cetaphil products. The first few times were hard as usual. He is finally calming down, but I still need Mike's help. Even though his skin had improved without the medicated ointment, when the pharmacy finally had it for me, I went ahead and started using it. Now I stopped using it again, see how he does without it. So far he seems fine :)

Around that time when his itching was out of control, I was feeling desperate for help and made an appointment to start counseling. Even though I feel more relaxed now, I'm still going. I know it will help me. I feel like I'm still grieving the loss of having a "normal" healthy baby. I thought I would be over it by now. Sometimes I can't sleep thinking about him and get so sad and angry, I just don't understand why :(

He had his geneticist appointment this week. I usually look forward to it since she's the only one that asks us lot's of questions and knows more about his condition. She thinks he is doing great except for his physical developments. So, we left overwhelmed and with lot's of prescriptions for more specialists. She thinks he needs occupational therapy for his hand use and speech therapy to help with feeding.

He also needs a hearing and vision test, along with an xray of his wrists, a renal ultrasound and an echo cardiogram. I'm terrified, scared of finding out something bad after he gets these things done. I feel like I just can't handle more issues. It probably sounds extremely selfish of me but, I feel so jealous of other moms that don't have to worry about all these things.

We couldn't decide what to do about the helmet situation since the insurance still doesn't want to pay for it. His pediatrician thinks his head will eventually fix itself, especially once he starts rolling and moving more, which he still can't really do because of the brace. The geneticist feels like he really needs it and now is the time to do it. So, we go back this Monday to finally have it made, it's going to suck :(

(All cell phone pics this time)


Janine said...

Bless you, momma. You are a brave and strong soul and your sweet little man will thank you for it one day. Keep your head up, but don't beat yourself up when you get down. You are allowed this. He is a gorgeous child and you will figure this all out. Prayers for you and your family, along with the medical professionals, for strength and healing.

-Gina- said...

This is my favorite quote ever; I hope it brings your heart peace. "Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, he just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be.". Author unknown to me. Hope to meet soon!!

MH @ pup and tot said...

Oh gosh mama, I'm sorry to read all this. I know those days when you just want to sit and cry and scream "Why me!" and then even more "Why my poor baby!" It's harding knowing we may never know why our sweet babies have to suffer, but I know we are blessed a hundred times over by them. And yes, other mamas have healthy babies, but I know our little ones have shown us that even the smallest things are miracles worth celebrating. I'm praying for you! You're not alone.

Rachel Elizabeth said...

You are a rock star. Don't you forget it.